I'm scared.

reading time: ca. 2 min

I'm scared.

This year is going to bring so many changes, it's exciting, but also bloody scary. Until three days ago i didn't have a clue what the subject for my two pending term papers was going to be, i had no clue what my bachelor thesis could be about, didn't know whether or not i had to take the stupid Media exam next week (still don't know !! but the examination office is going to notify me by Tuesday - cross your fingers!) and to be honest, i have been procrastinating so, so much over the past few weeks, i couldn't even look at myself anymore. I'm not exaggerating - i was too afraid to open my planer because i didn't want to confront myself with all the unfinished tasks.

The only thing i wanted to do was entertain myself, escape reality by binge-watching series, was having trouble going to sleep, and i still wake up way too early and lie awake and turn thoughts over in my mind (what will i do after getting my bachelor's degree? will i even be able to get the degree? will i even be able to pass the frickin Media exam?! geez...)

by the way, here you can see Flippie, my little Jack Russell pup that my parents and me adopted from a Spanish rescue shelter

Luckily, some of these nagging uncertainties have been solved. Only this Thursday afternoon i came up with the hypothesis for both of my term papers (one on the effects of background music on eating behaviour using coffeeshops as an example, the other one on buying behaviour of online consumers), i have also found a topic that i'm very interested about and that might turn into my bachelor thesis (translating film into literary writing, i.e. a film review that will portray the film in an aesthetically adequate, literary way), and i spent the last two days working on my coffeeshop-paper.

So what helped me crawl out of the miserable hole where i'd buried myself in the past few weeks?
I think it was mainly admitting to myself, allowing myself to be sloppy. At school i used to have kind of an "Hermione reputation", so i was this one student in class that spends only the smallest possible amount of time studying but still gets ace grades. So even though i got loads of A's and A+, i was -let's be honest here- incredibly lazy. And lucky! Because i seem to have a talent for getting myself to be interested in any topic, and only have to spend minimal time to study and understand that topic.
The problem with that is that you start putting your tasks off for as long as possible. Because at the back of your mind you're thinking "oh, i can do this some time later, it won't take long". Well, let me tell you, if you do this with every task on your agenda, it WILL take long because you have to work off a frickin huge pile of tasks! So don't do it, alright?
If you are in a similar situation that i found myself in, nicely and cosily curled up into a ball of laziness and anxiousness, it's time to get up! Face it: you are lazy and you don't like doing your chores. Well, instead of trying to deny it, stop curling up, get out of that shell, man up (or girl up) and be honest with yourself! You don't like being slacky? Then stop being slacky! Think about it - isn't it a much better feeling to actually get active and get shit done?! 

Somehow, as soon as i stopped wallowing in self-pity and self-reproach, i also stopped fighting against the fact that there where chores to be done that i would have to do. And so i did. I started. That's it. No crying, no forcing, just doing.
Also, i don't know if this is embarrassing or not, but i actually took my own advice and followed these instructions to prepare and outline in order to write a proper term paper :) 

I feel so much better now that i have started to work, be active, be productive...! I don't have to be the ace grade student anymore. But i do want to work, i do want to learn and understand, i do want to be a student, a student of life. That was cheesy, sorry. But it's true!

Now on that note i'm going to enjoy the rest of my weekend and i hope you'll do the same :)


Make everyday your favorite day. It sounds cliche, but live as if you'll die tomorrow; live in such a way that you don't regret anything you did not do... If you want to eat healthy, do it today; if you want to start exercising, do it today; if you want to start being more adventurous, do it today. You're worth starting today.


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